A.A. Meetings and Getting “it” Out

by Doug W.

Part of my journey is discovering more about me. The good, the bad and even the ugly. My sobriety is not long, so my journey is fresh and new. How do I mark this road either as spiritual progress or stagnation? I took an elevator down to a really dark place, where carnage happens. My drinking helped me to lose my job, my wife, and many relationships. I am now taking the stairs back up, one step at a time.

So, I write for my soul, my mind and try conform my mind and soul into something where the outcome is better organized. I do not write because I do not have the answers, but I write to help me find the answers. I am on a new adventure and many of the emotions are new and untamed. I write because it is a beautiful and aw-moment experience. It can be amazing and dreadful.

In my alcoholic mind is this place, where my brain is like a big knotted ball of string. On this knotted ball it is hard to find an end or beginning thread, often it is covered over by many wrappings. There are many threads, so unraveling is hard if not it often feels close to impossible.

So, how does one unravel this big mess that looks like a knotted ball, to unknot it and spun it back to a useful form like in a ‘hank’ or ‘skein’? I can pull on the string and tighten the knot even more, drinking did a lot of that. Or, I can be socially involved, I do not mean at any party or social networks. To get healthy, I need to be involved or to service with others. This is not a lone wolf process. My alone thinking got me into this mess.

The 12 steps identifies different solutions to the knots types, the granny knot, a square knot. A slip knot, a sheet bend, you get it as well as the one that is about despair, the noose.

When I load a ’share’ into the chamber of my mind, and it becomes locked and loaded and I begin to talk, such as in an open meeting. When I get a chance to be involved in my sobriety, healing begins, a share is removing a knot, (it may be reknotted later.) The emotions during and after a share for me are not pleasant most times, I feel very conscious about sharing. I feel that I am not being understood, or I did not resonate with anyone. After a share, it is rare that anyone comments on my share with me. So, I feel a little hurt and recoil, well for a bit. The stronger my resolve to stay sober, the faster I rebound. I am learning, it is the process and not a goal of perfection. I share because that is the medicine, bitter and sweet.

When I start a share, I have to relate, what I used to be like, what happen, and what I am like now. I begin to take these random thoughts and start to convey my story in a linear fashion. I take a thread and pull on a loose end, weaving and pulling to try to loosen one knot maybe two, as I communicate a simple message about my experience and hope which is my desire for others, if not, well it helps me.

This is a spiritual experience of the educational variety. The knots begin to loose up. I find that I am able to unwind some chaos in my mind. The “sharing experience” is not limited to a meeting. I share with my sponsor, on the phone with friends, even after a meeting with others. Each experience is another method of unraveling those damn knots.

I use to be bored when I heard some (not all) of the personal stories being shared. Today, I listen more with identity to others (less looking at the clock), to help me better understand me and understand them. Sometimes, listening to a share is; a drunk-a-log, a packed hurt, repetitive share, boastful, or even a dishonest share, and even it is sometimes just boring; but each has value. Each person is trying to unknot their mind, to help them stay sober.

I find that the fellowship of A.A. to be a weapon in my war chest that is important as studying and working the steps. Head knowledge alone will not keep me sober, so I need to attend to the physical, emotional, and spiritual side of this program.

“I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three …” (Martin Luther King)