A Journey From Panic to Peace

By Doug W., webservant@aascv.org

I didn’t come to AA because I was brave. I came because fear had become the operating system of my life. Fear of getting caught. Fear of running out of alcohol. Fear I’d never stop drinking. Fear that if I did stop, I’d have to face the wreckage I’d created. Fear that I would die. Alcohol quieted those fears for a while—until it didn’t. When the drink stopped working, my fear grew teeth. I was out of tools, out of alibis, and—if I was honest—running out of time.

This is how I walked through a life time of fear with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, what I actually did, and how I continue to “commence to outgrow fear” today.

I have this recurring fear or a tape in my head that tells me I'm still that stupid little boy. I used to have a stutter and a lisp. I was placed in a special class to overcome these speech issues. During this time, I was removed from my math and English lessons. When I returned to join my classmates, I was significantly behind them. I was consumed by fear, doing everything possible to avoid being noticed—never raising my hand, never asking questions. I became invisible, like plain wallpaper.

When I had children, I was determined not to let them experience the public school system like I did, so we home-schooled them. This allowed me to be involved and learn alongside them. In high school, I only read one book! Then later, I recall seeing a title of a book (though I never read the book) called "Face the Fear and Do It Anyways." I never knew that facing fear was even an option.

Step 1: Naming What Was Really Running My Life

The Big Book describes fear not as a side issue, but as “an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.”, (pg. 67.3) That line stopped me cold because it was accurate in a way I could feel in my soul.

At first, I thought my problem was other people and tough breaks. But when I read “we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (pg. 62.1) I could see how fear—of losing face, money, love, control—had quietly dictated my decisions. Fear had me living small, lying big, and drinking to mute the hum of anxiety I carried through every day.

Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable wasn’t an abstract spiritual posture; it was the first honest acknowledgment that my fear had been calling the shots and alcohol had become my failed solution. That admission cracked the door open to a different solution than my own failed willpower and self-knowledge.

Step 3: From Self-Reliance to Reliance on God

I didn’t have to conjure belief I didn’t have. I needed willingness. The Third Step became my turning point. I took the Third Step prayer with my sponsor on my knees, saying out loud: “God I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” (pg. 63.2) I didn’t sprout wings, but the grip of panic loosened enough to take the next right action.

This wasn’t about adopting religious language; it was about switching operating systems. Relying on self had produced consistent fear. Relying on God—even in my clumsy, beginner way—was the first experiment in living on a different basis. I learned I could ask for direction, strength, then act, then review, then amend. That loop became my new life rhythm.

Step 4: Putting It on Paper and Giving It to God

AA’s instructions on fear point to a specific diagnosis and a specific remedy. The diagnosis: “Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?” (pg 68.1) The remedy: “For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.” (pg. 68.2)

The Big Book tells us to “Review our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them.” (pg. 68.1) I did exactly that. My sponsor had me list fears in column one, the causes or threats in the next, how self-reliance showed up in a third, and which part of self felt threatened in a fourth. Finally, I wrote what God would have me be in response to each fear—honest, patient, courageous, helpful—and I prayed for that, by name.

Here’s what the process looked like in practice:

Fear: Being alone.

Cause: Belief I was unlovable.

Self-reliance: Manipulation, clinging, drinking to numb.

What part of self? Esteem, relationships and sex relations.

What would God have me be? Loving, useful, reliable, and self-respecting.

Action: Service and fellowship, call another member, show respect, show up for commitments, and practice being of use—regardless of mood.

That last column—what God would have me be—changed everything. It transformed fear into an invitation to practice a specific spiritual principle. Every time fear came up, I had directions: ask for it to be removed, ask where to place my attention, and act accordingly.

Step 5: Dragging Fear Into the Light

I didn’t keep the inventory to myself. I read it to another human being, my sponsor. From the 12&12, “Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Pride says, ‘You need not pass this way,’ and Fear says, ‘You dare not look!’” (12&12, pg. 49.2) Doing a Fifth Step cut those two voices down to size. I wasn’t special or uniquely broken. I was alcoholic. And I have in my grasp a solution.

Confession didn’t fix me; it positioned me to be changed. In the steps I learned to watch for “When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.” (pg. 84.2), and move into amends or service if needed. “Those words”—ask God at once to remove them—became a pocket tool I used multiple times a day.

Step 9: Fear Loses Ground When I Face What I Owe

Some fears dissolved the minute I was willing to face them. I feared running into people I had harmed. The Ninth Step didn’t eliminate consequences, but it eliminated the dread of waiting for the shoe to drop. AA taught me “we must not shrink at anything.” (pg. 79.1) The action of making things right reduced fear at the source—my own dishonesty and avoidance.

It was humbling to learn that fear shrinks when I align with reality and take responsibility. Humility, as the 12&12 reminds us, isn’t groveling; it’s right-sizedness. (Bill W. Grapevine, June 1961) “These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build” (12&12, pg. 49.1) The antidote is honest action grounded in reliance on God.

Daily Maintenance: How I Continue to Outgrow Fear

I wanted to believe I’d arrive at a permanent state called “fearless.” That hasn’t been my experience, and thankfully, it doesn’t need to be. The author (Archie Trowbridge) in the Big Book story “The Man Who Mastered Fear” (pg. 256) stated it plainly: fear wasn’t “utterly banished,” but it never again ruled his life. He faced life instead of running from it. That’s become true for me too.

Here’s what keeps fear from running away in my life today:

Morning direction and the Tenth Step loop

I start the day with prayer, gratitude and quiet mediation. I ask for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. Throughout the day I watch for fear and the other usual suspects. When fear crops up, I ask God to remove it and show me what to be, I may talk to someone, and I may correct my course. In the evening I review where fear got a foothold and where faith disappeared.

The “fear prayer” as a reflex

“God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what You would have me be.” I say it in my thoughts, before a hard conversation, when an email pings and my chest tightens. Then I do the next right thing in front of me. Simple, not easy. It works.

Service as fear’s opposite

Fear collapses my world to the size of my own concerns. Service blows it wide open. Making coffee, setting chairs, talking to a newcomer, or sharing honestly at a meeting reminds me why I’m here. Action is, indeed, it is the magic word. This expanded ten-fold when I entered General Service work for our District and Area.

Fellowship and sponsorship

I don't outgrow fear alone. Other members gave me language, inspiration, and direction. My Portland Sponsor directed me to write "fear cards"—index cards listing my most common fears and the instructions from page 68. When fear visits, I don't negotiate with it—I follow those directions.

Right-sized goals and God-reliance

When I’m overreaching to secure my self-esteem, security, or desires I am relying on self-will, fear flares. When I align with usefulness and allow outcomes to be God’s business, I get the only kind of courage AA promises: the courage that comes from trust.

Compassion for the Fearful Mind

If you’re reading this and fear feels like an undertow, I get it. Fear can feel like oxygen to an alcoholic mind—so familiar we think it’s who we are. But AA offers a gentler truth: fear is a signal, not a sentence. It’s information that I’ve shifted back to self-reliance. When I notice that; I can simply return to the basis that works.

I also learned to distinguish between useful caution and corrosive fear. Useful caution asks for planning, counsel, and measured action. Corrosive fear isolates, exaggerates, and drives me to self-control. The Steps train me to pause, pray, seek perspective, then act in love. Over time, the pause lengthens, the prayer deepens, and the action steadies.

A favorite AA reflection says, “Most of my decisions were based on fear… One of the greatest gifts in AA for me has been the “The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God”, (pg. 68.3) which I can only do with God’s help. That’s been my experience. Courage isn’t feeling brave. It’s doing the next right thing with a Power greater than myself.

What I Did, Summarized

• I admitted fear had run my life and that alcohol had become a failed solution.
• I made a decision to live on a different plane by taking Step Three.
• I wrote a thorough fear inventory and put it on paper, asking why each fear existed and how self-reliance had failed me.
• I shared the inventory in my Fifth Step, which cut pride and fear down to size.
• I practiced Steps Six and Seven in real time, asking God at once to remove fear as it cropped up.
• I made amends, which reduced fear at the root by clearing the wreckage of my past.
• I adopted a daily practice of prayer, mediation, gratitude and service to keep fear from reestablishing control.
• I leaned on the fellowship, sponsorship, and the page 68 simple directions whenever fear returns.

The Ongoing Promise

Do I still feel fear? Yes, absolutely. But today fear doesn't get the final say. As the Big Book puts it, “The verdict of the ages, is that faith means courage.” (pg. 68.3) My courage isn't loud. It's measured in showing up, telling the truth, and being of use—one day at a time. The fabric of my life is no longer shot through with fear. There are some new threads now: willingness, honesty, humility, and love. And that fabric holds.

If you’re living under fear’s rule, you don’t have to fix yourself before you begin. You can start where we all started: with willingness. Put it on paper. Ask for help. Tell the truth. Make things right. Ask God to remove what blocks you and to show up. Do what’s in front of you. Rest. Repeat. You, too, can commence to outgrow fear.