Step 8

By Douglas W.,
(webservant@aascv.org)

Last month, I wrote about Tradition Eight because it had received little attention in my A.A. writings. This month, I want to give Step Eight that same attention. It is easy to describe this Step as making a list, then move quickly into a discussion of Step Nine. But when I slowed down and read the words, I find two distinct responsibilities: identify the people I have harmed and become willing to make amends to every one of them.

That second responsibility gives me something to think about. I can write a name while still holding resentment toward the person. I can acknowledge harm while hoping I will never have to address it. Step 8 asks me to examine both my actions and my attitude. An honest list matters, and so does my willingness to act on it.

Starts With My Fourth Step

The Big Book makes the connection between inventory and amends clear: “We made it when we took inventory.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 76)

My Fourth Step gives me a place to begin. It contains people, institutions, situations, resentments, fears, sexual misconduct that needed examination. However, my Step Eight list requires a particular question: Whom have I harmed, and what did I do?

Everyone I resent does not automatically belong on my amends list. Someone may have treated me unfairly without me having harmed that person. On the other hand, someone I like very much may belong there because I was dishonest, inconsiderate, or neglectful.

I might resent the IRS, for example. That resentment alone does not establish an amends obligation. If dishonesty or unpaid obligations are involved, those facts deserve separate consideration with appropriate guidance. I cannot use my resentment toward an institution to excuse actual wrongdoing. The distinction is between what displeased me and what harm my conduct caused.

The Twelve and Twelve also asks me to look beyond a quick review of earlier work, considering “how many people he has hurt, and in what ways.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 77)

That encourages me to remain open to names or harms I previously overlooked.

What Counts as Harm?

When I think about harm, obvious examples may come first: money taken, promises broken, lies told, or angry words spoken. Those deserve attention. But if I limit my list to dramatic incidents, I may overlook conduct that made daily life difficult for other people.

The Twelve and Twelve describes harm as involving “physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 80)

That description asks me to consider more than financial loss. Was I consistently impatient? Did I criticize someone until they stopped speaking freely around me? Did I expect others to accommodate my moods while showing little interest in theirs? I can pay a bill and still be emotionally unavailable. I can go do my work and leave others carrying responsibilities I avoided. I can say I care about someone while repeatedly failing to listen.

These are questions for honest examination, not automatic conclusions. I need to identify specific conduct and its effects. “I was a terrible person” tells you very little. “I repeatedly broke commitments and left someone waiting” gives me something concrete to discuss.

The People I Would Rather Leave Off

Some names may be difficult because I still believe those people owe me an apology. I can spend considerable time explaining their behavior and very little time examining mine. The Twelve and Twelve describes that tendency plainly: “To escape looking at the wrongs we have done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he has done us.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 78)

I need to notice when my explanation becomes an excuse. Another person’s wrongdoing does not erase mine. If I retaliated, lied, withheld money, or deliberately embarrassed someone, those actions remain mine to examine.

At the same time, taking responsibility does not require accepting blame for everything that happened. Being harmed by someone does not itself create an obligation to make amends to that person. I can acknowledge my conduct accurately without denying theirs or exposing myself to further mistreatment.

For me, willingness includes releasing the demand that the other person admit fault first. I do not have to approve of what happened. I do need to stop making my honesty dependent on someone else’s response.

Willingness Can Begin With an Honest Admission

The word “all” leaves little room for a private exception. Yet I may discover that I am willing in some cases and resistant in others.

The Big Book gives a direct instruction: “If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 76) I find encouragement in that sentence. It acknowledges that willingness may be missing. I can admit my resistance rather than pretending it has disappeared.

Perhaps I fear rejection or I am embarrassed. Do I worry that admitting a wrong will damage the image I have worked to maintain. Naming that fear gives me something specific to bring to prayer and discuss with my Sponsor.

I can begin with a simple admission: I know this person belongs on the list, and I am not willing yet. Then I can ask for help and keep examining what prevents me from becoming willing.

Writing down the name is an action I can take before I feel comfortable. I do not need to predict the entire outcome before becoming honest about the harm.

Let Step Eight Be Step Eight

Fear can grow when I treat every name as an immediate appointment. Before I finish the list, I may already be imagining conversations, objections, consequences, and possible rejection.

Step Eight asks for the list and willingness. The decisions about how and when to approach people require the care associated with Step Nine.

The Twelve and Twelve acknowledges that “in some cases action ought to be deferred.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 79) That does not give me permission to omit difficult names. It reminds me that identifying harm and deciding with my sponsor on a responsible course of action are separate tasks.

I can list someone even when contact is impossible or inappropriate. Death, lost contact, safety concerns, or possible injury to others may complicate what follows. Those complications deserve careful discussion with my Sponsor. They do not change the facts of what I did.

I want to resist both avoidance and impulsiveness. My wish to feel relief should never become a reason to act carelessly toward someone else.

Putting It Into Practice

This practical approach helps me stay focused. I can begin with my Fourth Step and review family relationships, friendships, employment, financial dealings, and other significant parts of my life.

For each name, I can write a brief description of the harm. I can also note my present willingness and any questions that need discussion with my sponsor. These notes help distinguish facts from fear or resentment. When I read my Step 8 list to my Sponsor when I was in Portland, he shook his head. I had on my list, blame. Mostly at my dad. He gave me direction to correct my eighth step. I could see that I was being defensive of my ego and not honest with the harm I caused. That instruction protects me from minimizing my conduct and taking responsibility.

I need accuracy rather than a long list assembled to prove how bad I was. The Twelve and Twelve advises: “We must not exaggerate our defects or theirs.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 82)

As I review each entry, I can ask: What happened? What was my part? Who was affected? What resistance remains? Am I seeking willingness, or quietly defending an exception?

These questions keep the work specific. They also remind me that preparation for amends involves becoming more considerate of other people, including people whose feelings I previously dismissed.

A Beginning I Can Make Today

Step Eight gives me an opportunity to become honest about relationships I would rather avoid thinking about. I cannot change what happened. I can become willing to address my responsibility with care.

The Twelve and Twelve describes this Step as “the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 82)

I do not need a guarantee of forgiveness before beginning. I do not need every fear resolved. Today, I can review my inventory, write an omitted name, identify the harm accurately, and ask for willingness where it is missing.

That is meaningful work. It prepares me to approach Step Nine with honesty, humility, and greater concern for the people affected by my actions.