The Recovering Corker Column
By The Recovering Corker info@aascv.org
This is a question-and-answer column written by rotating guest contributors who respond with loving care, drawing from the wisdom of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. We speak not from personal opinion, but from the shared language and spiritual principles that have helped millions of us find freedom, one day at a time. Our aim is to offer support rooted in experience, strength, and hope–not ego. As the Big Book reminds us: “We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 17).
The phrase “He was a real corker” appears in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, in the personal story titled “Acceptance Was the Answer.” Here’s the quote with context: “The doctor said, ‘You’re not the kind of alcoholic I treat; you’re the kind I lock up.’ He was a real corker” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 409). This line appears as the storyteller (a physician) recounts his early experiences with doctors who misunderstood or judged his alcoholism.
Dear Recovering Corker,
Is it okay to ghost someone who keeps relapsing? Shouldn’t we protect ourselves from people who can’t stay sober?
Sincerely,
New in Sobriety & Keeping Original Sobriety Date
Dear New in Sobriety & Keeping Original Sobriety Date,
Your desire to protect your sobriety is both wise and commendable. It takes real courage to choose this path and to hold onto the clarity that your recovery and your life depend on putting sobriety first. Wanting to keep your original sobriety date reflects commitment, integrity, and a deep respect for the spiritual journey you have begun. As a newcomer, it is natural to feel unsure about how to relate to others in the fellowship that are struggling.
You asked: “Is it okay to ghost someone who keeps relapsing?” The short answer, grounded in the Big Book and the story of Bill W., is this: no.
To judge is not our job, and ghosting without spiritual clarity can do more harm than good. The Big Book reminds us that sobriety is a daily reprieve, not a permanent condition we graduate into: “We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85). Relapse is not a moral failure, and it is often part of this cunning disease. Judging someone for relapsing implies we have earned immunity from it, when clearly we have not. Grace, not perfection, will keep us sober.
Bill Wilson, our co-founder, relapsed many, many times before his final surrender in 1934. His transformation began not through punishment or rejection, but because someone carried the message to him in love and without judgment. It wasn’t until Ebby T., a friend from the Oxford Group, reached out to him, that Bill opened to recovery and the spiritual path that became AA. Had someone ghosted or given up on Bill as a lost cause at his lowest point, we might not have the program of Alcoholics Anonymous today. Bill later wrote, “We are all brothers and sisters. The more we learn tolerance, patience, and understanding, the better examples of recovery we become.” (AA Comes of Age, p. 81).
There’s a difference between setting boundaries and disappearing into silence, scorn, and judgment. If someone’s relapse is threatening our sobriety or mental health, it is okay to set limits. However, we must act in the spirit of the Twelfth Step, knowing that: “Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 97) and “Love and tolerance of others is our code” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 84).
Instead of ghosting, we might respond with some version of, “I care about you deeply and I am praying for your recovery. Right now, I need space to take care of my own recovery, but the doors of AA, and my heart, are always open to you.” That is not enabling. That is not rejection. That is truth in love, compassion, and tolerance.
When someone returns after relapse, the Big Book tells us to “cheerfully see them” and be ready to help when they ask for it: “We never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop… We simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for their inspection” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 95). Our program is based on grace, honesty, and hope, never shame or exclusion. We don’t give up on people; we don’t “shoot our wounded,” as the old-timers like to say. We love them, until they can love themselves.
In humble service to our fellowship,
The Recovering Corker